Good morning me. B and bright, sexy eyes saw the title to this page last night. Scott questioned it. Thirty is nothing, thirtyone piece of cake, thirty two hey I almost am. So what. I am thirty. Big whoop. I remember when my dad was turning thirty. It was such a big deal. He felt old at 28. I wasn't around when my mother turned 30. She couldn't handle the stress.

Mini epiphany. My mother always hated her mother for being weak. Morally weak, emotionally weak, ethically weak- you name it.

This whole argument with my mother all stems back to her weaknesses. I go to school to be stronger than her. If my husband left me I wouldn't lay on the couch popping tranquilizers for ten 7 years, I wouldn't try to commit suicide; totally disregarding my three small children. I wouldn't have a nervous breakdown, I wouldn't devote my energy to a married man ignoring any possible prospects for a real relationship. I wouldn't ignore my middle child simply because he looked like his dad. I am not like her. How dare Kenny suggest that I wouldn't know what to do if Jim and I broke up. As if I didn't support myself for 8 years before we got married.
I could have gone on ignoring my issue with her, the way she had no time for us, always being on the phone, or in the bedroom with T, or talking to a friend, or watching tv, passed out on the couch, in a debilitating depression. I could have forgotten all about the fact that she put all her dramas on me. Told me stories no 8 year old should know, gave away her sentimental belongings to me when she was planning her suicide, giving us up to dad when she could no longer survive in the real world. If she had only not turned out to be such a judgemental bitch. Then siding with J during the summer of 2003 just because she and I were fighting. I am always sticking up for other people. I guess because I am the oldest (minus lewis). I was sticking up for C cause she called her a slut. She was 9. So I reminded her that people who have been messed with tend to be oversexed. Then she insisted I called her a slut. Funny how easlily she forgets. Then when the summer was over and we were talking again she blamed her involvement on being misled by J. But all the stuff he said she said, that ended up in the divorce papers came out of her mouth during our last big argument. So she said it all after all. SHe just doesn't want to take responsibility. As per usual. everything is always someone else's fault. If she didn't constantly think she could judge my parenting skills, telling me I didn't give Emily enough attention. After I spent my entire life loving timmy and protecting timmy because she couldn't. After all the years I never went to her cause I thought she would reject me the way she did him - how dare she critique my parenting. After all the times she wrecked my self esteem, after all the times I relive it watching her do it to cheyenne. How dare she judge my actions. The fact that she went to Kenny and made it seem like I wasmaking him out be some druggie and the shit that came out of his mouth when i called him two days later just proves that she is a backstabber. SHe never said a truer thing than the last thing she said to me- she tried to take it back but it was the truth....."You think you were so important to me, when you were three years old you weren't even a thought in my mind"