love is a battlefield
virtually in jest
your heart in need
of a bullet proof vest

Your breathe, for a moment,
quick and fast
til life serves you a punch line
in the gut, you just gasp.

Where there once was warmth
and feelings of love
you now hold to forgiveness
lies woven now undone.

There are no heroes
prince charmings
No Docs

Well, I have learned that you can't please everyone. It is not even worth trying. I just let things happen. They will anyway. I am proactive with my kids and my education. The rest of the world can go screw. LOL

AWWWWW 

santa jim  

Mrs. Claus and the elves 

Virginia there really is no santa claus!

UPN broadcast an episode of everybody hates chris that was rated PG and apparently took it upon themselves to broadcast that there is no Santa Claus to all the unsuspecting viewers. Unfortunately for me, everybody hates chris is a show we regularly let emily watch. So of course now there is no myth. I hope she can be discreet.

Picture today at walmart.

I can't wait to see them blown up. Cassidy was wearing a red santa dress that Jim brought home last week. It is so cute. It has a big red snowflake on the top, a drop waist with a black velvet belt and white trim. It is so adorable. I love it. Emily had a pretty red velvet dress on and a polar bear.

Christmas pictures at walmart today. Cassidy looked so cute. We got a family pictures done for the first time ever. EMily looks cute too - the girls look adorable. The pics will be in on the 20th so thats very cool. As long as you get your pic done before the fifteenth. I might bring cassidy and emily and do separate pics and one together( a second one). I got a spot on my shirt right before we left the house. of course.

puppy love  

me and my dog 

summer 2003 

My Prince  

Sad week for us

Our dog, Prince, passed away on monday. He was alive when i went to get my daughter at school at 3:06. When I came back he was dead on my lawn, right at the beginning of the walkway. I knew he was old and arthritic but I didn't expect him to die now. Not so soon. He is
- well, was - 11 years old. For his weight that is 71 years in dog years. He was a good dog and we loved him and miss him bunches.

So dad said he wanted to talk to me about the Ma/Kenny situation. I waited all day for him to show up which he didn't of course. He called around five and said he wanted to talk to me. So he asked if I was going to the wedding. I said no. he said well ok, well let me ask you a question- did you threaten your mother with bodily harm? What when I was fifteen and told her she better get out of my way - so i wouldn't have to listen to her talking shit no more. Or the time when she was ready to walk out of the campsite and I grabbed her arm over four years ago?! SHe is bringing it up now? To my father? It is either of those two situations or she is lying. I am so done with her. Even if it is those two sit... she is talking about isn't it kind of dramatic to be using it as an excuse now. My mother wants nothing to do with me- She is done. I have finally stopped boosting her ego-
stopped pretending that she was a wonderful mother for the 9 or so years she had us. Especially now that I know what a mother is. Now that I know how much effort it takes to please your kids. How dare my mother who spent the better part of my childhood tranquilized, depressed, obsessive compulsive, Unstable, and extremely self centered - think she can tell me what I am doing wrong. She spent the majority of her time lying on the couch, talking on the phone, hanging out with friends who all conveniently lived nearby while we three children entertained ourselves in the gigantic back yard on a busy street - walking up the street to neighbors houses at five years old, playing the park - by ourselves. Instead of picking her up by her bootstraps and doing something with her life she instead allowed herself to be consumed in her own depression. We were in and out of foster homes and ended up with my dad cause when the state decided they would no longer help her, she had exhausted her resources. 9 years on welfare. as much as she says she hated it - she never took any steps to get her GED - or better - Hell - all she had to do was get a certified nurses aid certificate. BUt no - Better to wallow in self pity using her daughter as a sounding board for all her disgusting stories- constantly making sure i had enough to worry about - whether she was going to be healthy mentally one day to the next. I constantly felt sorry for my brother as he got the brunt of her displeasure and very little affection too boot. All these years since we have been friendly again I have convinced her she was a good mother cause I know her ego needs that. I won't do it anymore- I don't believe it - I see how she treats Cheyenne. It reminds me how she used to be. The year of the greasy dishes - i only wanted to please her. i tried to help peel potatos but i cut off too much skin - Big whoop - she couldn't have overlooked that? Then when she was passed out on the couch and I spent three hours doing dishes - for her- but when the hot water ran out the dishes were left greasy - instead of noticing my effort all she could do was bitch about how greasy they were. I wasn't crying because I was afraid she was going to throw a dish at me - like deb had- I was crying cause she couldn't see how hard I tried - how my back hurt me for standing so long. I just called and left that mesage on her machine - it is the truth - and she needs to know. She wants nothing to do with me and it is mutual so at least now she knows how I felt. it had nothing to do with deb - it has to do with her. She ruined my self esteem even worse then Joe not being around. She says she noticed a change in me in january of 2003. Well - no shit - that is when i started taking the self esteem workshop and the philosphy of the good life class. They changed my life. I refuse to lower my standards now or ever. Which is why we won't speak again - cause she won't either - lowering her standards would mean that she would have to admit to me that she talks shit about me - whenever things go wrong. I am aware of that because it gets back to me. SHe would have to admit that she tols me that I wasn't a thought in her head when I was three years old. All she did for the past ten years was complain that she never had time for herself to have fun- OH wait - what about when we were in bed at 6:30 every night - SO she could hang out on the porch with her porch monkey friends- or so she could go next door so she could hang out with marie - or so she could have friends over- or tony - I mean - really - does she think i didn't know. Isn't there a woman going to jail for leaving her kids alone in the apt just so she could go get diapers at her sisters house. The kids were killed in a fire and she is going to jail.
She made sure she had alone time - fine just don't act like you lived for your kids. I know my mother told jim she thought i was messing with james, that I was neglecting emily cause of her issues - cause she was so "quiet and unlike emily" duh - cause she was listening to her and my husband talk shit about me. That I supposedly abused my mother. Now she knows that I know the truth - and the first thing she did when the truth came out was run to kenny and talk shit about me so that he would feel bad for her and believe that I was talking shit when it was she and his fiance who were labeling him and I stuck up for him.
She is such a backstabber - i can't believe that it took this long to figure it out. Thats why I am not welcome at my uncle johns house no more- cause she talked so bad about me to him - i am no longer welcome.
ALl this started cause when she called my 9 year old cousin a slut - i reminded her that kids who are molested tend to be oversexed which my mother was. She took that as an insult. Oh com'on - how do you get to be a child mother- pregnant at ten years old while her mother and father taliked about her marrying the offending man - long before they thought they were "active" - then have multiple boyfriends over the age of 17 before she was 15 years old. Then meet my 17 year old fatehr when she was 15 and have a baby at 16 - and try and tell me your not a little bit flirty yourself. Everything was everyone else's fault. But that is where it began cause I was sticking up for cheyenne = just like when it renewed itself and i was sticking up for kenny. She doesn't like it cause I see her - and I call her on it - all the times she says - As long as I have my two kids I am happy when she has three (four if you count lewis who was adopted when she was 11)- or when I gave her the grandchildren photo album and she couldn't figure out who the dark haired boy was- even when i told her baby timmy - as in timmy junior - your sons son. the only grandson she had for 4 years. Because I told her saying who is timmy is as bad as nana saying who is kenny when kenny is the spitting image of her son. I am so done with this family. I am even ready to walk away from my dad - The only time I ever saw him was when he was coming for dinner and to smoke me up-- but then kathy came along and now he never has any time for me - so i would go to his place and just clean his house, listen to music and exercise - maybe puss just to be closer to him - but now he hides it so I can't even get a little on him. Not that he is ever there to get me high - or how many times did he offer for me to come over and partake a lil if he wasnt home. I guess he didnt really mean it. I told him tonight - i am pulling away from the whole bunch of them cause I am done with them all - thats what makes it the most sad - because I love my daddy - but he thinks i should just give in - well - giving in at this point would mean kissing her ass- cause she is so done- I have tried to apologize with an admission that we were both guilty of things - but she ignored me - SO she can go screw. I am not going to tell her how great a mother she was. Sorry, she is a fraud. Kenny believes it cause he was only 7 when we left - he doesnt remembert the foster homes and when his life went bad - she took him home. Timmy ran away at the same time and the very night he ran away he was assaulted and that is the reason he acted out so much , nobody knew and she couldnt bring timmy home cause she wouldnt be able to handle him - he was no different in behavior then kenny. She just doesn't love him the same. I don't care any more - I am done writing about this.

I feel pretty
I got my hair cut today. The girl who cut it had curly hair as well and she did a great job. She blew it out so she could see the cut. I think it came out beautiful. She thinks she was meant to meet me. She asked how long I had been married and had I ever encountered the 7 year itch. I told the truth. Seems she has been bored lately and is going away for vacation to her hometown - bay area, cali. I think she is going to go alittle wild for a short time. I did make sure she knew that if she went that route that she needs to be certain that she can live with herself. I know I can. I am important too.
Special waved to me today, i smiled at him. I can't help it, every time he does, my stomach feels tight, my body remembers his touch, who am I kidding, his cock.

Ding Dong the witch is dead
Ok, it has been a while. Oh well. So it goes.
School is busy busy busy, but I am kicking ass. It is really great. I need to work on my packet for the nursing program tomorrow. I need to get a money order for my teas test and send it out pronto.

My brother is getting married dec 31. That happens to be my anniversary with Jim. Kenny knows it is the only one I celebrate, the day we got married is my mother's birthday so we don't celebrate it as our anniversary. My brother still hasn't spoken to me since May. Even though I have tried to contact him. He sent me an invite to his wedding but not to the Jack and Jill. I am not going to the wedding. I already explained it to his fiance, danielle. SHe made it seem like I was the one trying to "carry this on". They were the ones carrying it on. But I now realize I want nothing to do with either one of them. People who are so quick to backstab me are not welcome in my life. At least I figured it out.

My brother Timmy has checked himself into a deep therapy program. It is almost never voluntary but he volunteered. Good for him. He has a lot to work through. I am always fighting his battles but he doesn't know it. He isn't around enough to know it. All he ever wanted was his equal share of love and affection. Even now, I can remember less than a year ago, mother saying - " as long as i have my two kids, i am happy." You have three mother.
When looking at a book of photographs of the grandchildren - who's that? Baby timmy. Who ? gee, you only have four grandchildren and one of them is a junior- so it shouldn't be too hard to remember your son timmy has a son timmy.

She doesn't like it cause I am not one to keep my mouth shut. SHe doesn't spare my feelings so why should I spare hers?

Besides if I didn't always feel that I needed to protect someone from her than she would have no problem with me.

Bottom line, backstabber. That really hurts. parents are not supposed to treat you like your the enemy. I guess the truth hurts. Especially when she is trying to rewrite herstory. LOL- oh well, mother. Good luck to you you hateful bitch.